Posts Tagged ‘therapy’

I am a bit choosy with the music I used to play in my playlist. Bluegrass and country  genre is a daily staple of my waking music life.  I have fallen in love with the soothing voice of Alison Krauss since day one, when I heard “Now That I Found You” and her own rendition of “When You Say Nothing At All”, all chart toppers in the late 90’s.  Like food, country music and bluegrass are organic and ear-friendly  tunes without  the toxicity of blaring and  shouting trend of modern-day rock gurus.

I like contemplative mood of country and bluegrass sound. Its melodic and heartwarming themes of simplicity of rural lifestyle of the typical Americana. I am being transported to the good olden days I used to have in our small town Gerona.  I remember the Sundays’ hustle and bustle at the coliseum in the middle of the sugar cane field, during the heydays of cockfighting.  I was a grade schooler then.

My grandmother used to help in the coliseum canteen, where she would allow me to roam around the tiered seats of wooden planks. Sun bleached as I was and waiting for the creaking sounds of the hurried footsteps of excited expectators eager to occupy their sacred spaces.

I will wait there fielding my gaze to the green sea of dancing sugarcane leaf breezing through the wind. It was such a pure sight. My unadulterated joy, a moment of bliss and happiness. My solitude amidst the maddening crowd. An honest time without thinking the polluting cares of this world.  I break away.

They say music is a therapy to the soul. A beautiful escape away from confusion and disillusionment.  And like Ally McBeal in a famous series on TV of the same title, every song has a journey of moments, significantly intertwined to the times of our lives.  And I must say, our souls never grow old with time like wine, these bodies are rotten away and growing old like those barrel containers but our souls just evolved into something profound and noble within.

Oh, how my mind travelled so far again to the time that was.  A time where the memory of how simple life it was back then, has left me longing to linger for a little while.  While listening to Alison Krauss, songs like “Simple Love”, “The Scarlet Tide”, “Restless”, “I’ll Fly Away”, “Whiskey Lullaby”, “You’ll Be My Ain True Love”, “I Will”, “But You Know I Love You”, “If I Didn’t Know Any Better”,  and many others, had me again facing back to where I was before.  Right there, at the colliseum with one of my treasured childhood dream of laying down to the green sea of pure joy touching its fragile earth.

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Fashion is a therapy to some.  Like a cousin of mine who used to roam the mall for hours in search of another dress to fill her overcrowding wardrobe.  Her brother used to teased her that maybe she would welcome the idea of  donating some dresses to the Linis Bihis campaign on TV.

I think that this habit of buying for herself is somewhat therapeutic.  After all, as it balances out all her purchases by doing herself some little favor.  For being a family keeper she was, I can relate to her. When I scan the ATM machine for my monthly paycheck, my mind is an imaginary calculator that computes the list of purchases and payments I need to do.  Slash the expenses that go to utilities, rent and the remittance, all that is left is something personal.  It becomes your allowance like a gasoline, to go through another month of waiting until the next paycheck comes in.

I am embittered to know that so little money will be left for me to buy the things I am always longing to buy for myself. While it is a joy to buy a gift for somebody or a special someone but sometimes I ask myself if I have been a little generous to myself lately?  Giving myself a break and splurge on something without the guilt? 

But as always, I am always left empty handed on this cat and rat race. After thinking about what to do with my little personal money, I decided not to buy anything.  Maybe its a little too harsh on my part,  but this something personal should be better kept as a reminder how I (like you) worked my butt  out.  Just to earn hard and have something to pay the bills that keep on coming much more constantly than my regular postman.

Yes, I am also a society animal that is wanting something to redefine who I am by means of updating my clothing, gadgetry, personal effects and the like.  How can I ever forget that?  Even if in my memory, it is still as fresh as ever, the time that I only had a pair of shoes.  The one that I have been using for two years during my high school days.

How funny it was, when a rich schoolmate invited me along with others to come to their house and watch some good home video.  Along the way, it rained so hard and the streets got soaked.  Nobody knows except me that the flood have creeped inside my shoes.  My shoes got two holes.

Well, I have triumphed to conceal it from their view.  But when we get there, the mother of the rich schoolmate commanded us to take off our shoes before entering.  I waited for everybody to take their shoes off and when its my turn, I left my shoes hidden under some shrubs in the garden.  And I pretended that everything is fine with me.

It felt like as if the whole ocean had drenched my whole self-esteem.  And I promised to myself from that day on,  I will never ever had this moment in my life without a very good pair of shoes.  I can reminisce now, how ecstatic I am at one time, to have enjoyed not buying shoes for about five years because I got ten pairs of them. Ha ha ha ha.

People tend to be so addicted collecting things as a way of nursing predicaments such as this.  But I guess, things have become a commodity. It ceases to be a "want" thing but a choice and a  need.  In any way I perceive it, I have fully understood that I had in one time, exhausted my energy and effort in the pursuit of satisfying this inner hunger.  An inner hunger to belong.  To justify.  To proclaim. To equalize. 

I do not say, that I am not in some way materialistic.  Once in while, I am being pricked with thoughts of owning things that are in my wishlist.  Hoping that it becomes a reality, when my income will be raised anew? Or a possibility of it, after I have successfully erased some of my age-old debts or not much heavy payments or purchases to satisfy another "want" thing.

But for sure. For now, I would only be contentedly stucked in that corner of a McDonalds savoring a cup of my favorite coffee cappucino sundae brooding over. When will I be able to buy even a single CD of Tori Amos?  What about the new T-mac series? How about a treadmill? A yellogreen car would be nice? A condo unit in Roxas Blvd? Is it cheaper? Let me do the math.

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