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Posts Tagged ‘rebel’

I was on my way to a restaurant that late afternoon to meet a friend, hurrying and my mind was filled with gloomy thoughts. My mind just wandered aimlessly, battling inner fears. 

Rebel as I was, it seems that I am all wearied and fighting against the world, crushed in the agony of my self-defeat- I succumbed into powerlessness.  I have met a familiar darkness of my soul once again. In such a long time.

I am depressed that day.  Defeated by reason. I am filled with anger emblazoned across my face.  That day- I am not the usual masquerading, self-hiding chameleon in the cloak of coolness and charm.  I am likened to a ticking bomb.

I have questions.  And lots of them.  As endless as the broken road markings. My combatant nature would never accept any kind word- even from the most endearing. That was one time I had feared myself the most- who is capable of hurting myself.  Like a jagged knife ready to cut the ventricles of humanity in me.

Somewhere,  in a sudden mysterious way, I heard a helpless chirp.  I stopped and started searching the source  by my side.   And I have found a little bird, that has fallen from a bird’s nest from the nearby palm tree and landed on the ground.  It is too early for the little bird to take flight.  My hardened composure melts gradually into a compassionate being.  How on earth, this hapless sight would pour a cold, cold ice to my raging soul?

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a stray cat emerged. Prowling as if it is finding something to devour.  In my quick thinking, I immediately snatched the little bird from the ground, rescuing it from danger. From harm and from the claws of the enemy-  so vicious and lethal.

Just when I thought, that what  I did, is the right one, I felt a sudden pain.  A stinging one.  The little bird had bitten me.  Surprised as I was, I accidentally dropped the bird away farther  into the ground. Then the next thing I heard is a scuffle in the bushes until the hopeless chirping stopped.

I am overwhelmed.  I just stand there and was filled with a sudden grief.  I can’t believe that life has been snatched away from my very hands.  The life of a fragile creature. A tragic lost.  Tears quietly streamed down my face until it became flood as pent-up emotions surged and overpowered my anger like a dam  breached loose.

That moment, I wonder,  how vivid  this circumstance made my soul saved from drowning and wallowing in despair?  My life, I learned, can be like the hopeless little bird, compared to a  child out of God’s hand.  How powerful can God teach me a great lesson, a stiff-necked person as I am, who never learned from His admonishing?   The questions that I have over-analyzed  for years has crumbled under the weight of God’s wisdom which is mightier than what I can comprehend.

Like a prodigal son who came back to his father’s arm, I did the same coming home to what God has purposed me to belong.  With the lesson of that hopeless little bird, I just knew that my life on earth rest only on His hands.  All I needed to do is to have an unwavering faith and complete trust on Him.  And God has impressed to me to stay in His dwelling place as long as I live.

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I came accross some questions that challenge the norm and the common.  I came accross my being, fully armored to fight the demons I kept suppressing within the bounds of my niceness and temperament. I have changed and evolved into something surreal. Undeniably, due to the inner workings of my malevolence and rebellion to things which are dictatorial.  To things which do not upheld freedom to express oneself.

I succumb.

Nowhere else in this world will I find that I hungered and thirsted for something that I haven’t had the liberty to tread before. No one has been able to penetrate within this wall of my indignance and my self-righteousness.  Should I have known from before that I will turn out to be a fighter in a war that no one wins?  Should I have known from before that I would be thrusted into an abyss of self-neglect? Maybe then, I have tried to twist some patterns of my footsteps and painstakingly walk the walk that others do.

But I have tried to be different.

I have tried to be on the edge.  I have tried to overcome my limits. I have tried to outwit what my senses would afford to tell me when to stop.  I have been in some countless verges of insanity just to find the truth of things.  Even I, have become a traitor to myself.

Back then, I have only asked some simple questions.  And now it turns out to be that those simple questions require a complex web of answers that this twisted mind have tried to justify. Have I grown tired of pondering the clues of just simply living without the brunt of anyone’s expectations?  Or did I simply forgotten that this whole mess is of my own doing and I, only I is to be blamed?

My mind is quietly creeping into its oblivious state. Where everyday seems to be just like the same as yesterday.  I do not want to be here just by being the ironies of all monotony in ten, twenty or thirty years from now.  I do not want to be the same old man looking out to the mirror and regretted that if I had only the chance to do it, I must have been.

I didn’t plan to have monuments named after me.  I didn’t plan to be a martyr sacrificing life just for immortality in some legends and bloated history. I didn’t plan to belong in a society that celebrates its own vanity of vanities.

Yes, I have tried to constrain myself from fighting back.  Because I am just repeating the same and trying to make sense of it all. I am threatening myself exposed.  And  to be tagged as a lunatic and have not been able to compose myself underneath these overbearing disdain to the mockery of truth.  Everything seems to be fake and presenting itself as an absolute. Everything seems to be void and have become a throttle of empty words.

I will let the world know of my rebellion.  I will not be silenced. I will let it pay for the many hundred years it made us to believe lies and deception. I will avenge. I will conquer.

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Contrary to pleasantries of the common. Rejecting the simple will of the majority.  Combatant. Renegade. Anarchy to the popular. Putting these labels, I welcome connotations implied to my person.  Challenge then my sensibilities. Of viewpoint and perceptions that this world order has something to do with conspiratory objectives.

The one who profits the subjugation of masses from spoon-fed idealism of the bourgeoisie. The one who conjures up the mores of a society to be infallible. I am no elitist. I am no proletarian.  I am an antisocial.

I will not patronize the blatant inscriptions of the dominant. I will encourage insurrections and scorch to earth the once deified.  If revolution comes, let the first strong wind swept away the incarnates.

I will turn  the monopolists into gas chambers, and suffocate them until they bleed the many centuries of colonialism. Until they squeezed out the last drops of blood of tyranny. I will pledge to reverse the banality of civilization. Annihilate the governments with ammunitions of this silent protest. 

Even if mortality knocks me down to the grave.  I would bring deluge to eradicate traces of the vagabond. I would summon the underlings to pull down their empires. Compartmentalized and sealed forever into doom.

Let them feel the isolation.  Let them gnash their teeth to the despair. Let them witness how the ordinary shatters their conditioned estates. Until no one even dared to show signs of life. And no one will ever consume.

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