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Posts Tagged ‘flood’

I was on my way to a restaurant that late afternoon to meet a friend, hurrying and my mind was filled with gloomy thoughts. My mind just wandered aimlessly, battling inner fears. 

Rebel as I was, it seems that I am all wearied and fighting against the world, crushed in the agony of my self-defeat- I succumbed into powerlessness.  I have met a familiar darkness of my soul once again. In such a long time.

I am depressed that day.  Defeated by reason. I am filled with anger emblazoned across my face.  That day- I am not the usual masquerading, self-hiding chameleon in the cloak of coolness and charm.  I am likened to a ticking bomb.

I have questions.  And lots of them.  As endless as the broken road markings. My combatant nature would never accept any kind word- even from the most endearing. That was one time I had feared myself the most- who is capable of hurting myself.  Like a jagged knife ready to cut the ventricles of humanity in me.

Somewhere,  in a sudden mysterious way, I heard a helpless chirp.  I stopped and started searching the source  by my side.   And I have found a little bird, that has fallen from a bird’s nest from the nearby palm tree and landed on the ground.  It is too early for the little bird to take flight.  My hardened composure melts gradually into a compassionate being.  How on earth, this hapless sight would pour a cold, cold ice to my raging soul?

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a stray cat emerged. Prowling as if it is finding something to devour.  In my quick thinking, I immediately snatched the little bird from the ground, rescuing it from danger. From harm and from the claws of the enemy-  so vicious and lethal.

Just when I thought, that what  I did, is the right one, I felt a sudden pain.  A stinging one.  The little bird had bitten me.  Surprised as I was, I accidentally dropped the bird away farther  into the ground. Then the next thing I heard is a scuffle in the bushes until the hopeless chirping stopped.

I am overwhelmed.  I just stand there and was filled with a sudden grief.  I can’t believe that life has been snatched away from my very hands.  The life of a fragile creature. A tragic lost.  Tears quietly streamed down my face until it became flood as pent-up emotions surged and overpowered my anger like a dam  breached loose.

That moment, I wonder,  how vivid  this circumstance made my soul saved from drowning and wallowing in despair?  My life, I learned, can be like the hopeless little bird, compared to a  child out of God’s hand.  How powerful can God teach me a great lesson, a stiff-necked person as I am, who never learned from His admonishing?   The questions that I have over-analyzed  for years has crumbled under the weight of God’s wisdom which is mightier than what I can comprehend.

Like a prodigal son who came back to his father’s arm, I did the same coming home to what God has purposed me to belong.  With the lesson of that hopeless little bird, I just knew that my life on earth rest only on His hands.  All I needed to do is to have an unwavering faith and complete trust on Him.  And God has impressed to me to stay in His dwelling place as long as I live.

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That day,

you made  the sky heavy-

falling tears like rain.

When a down-trodden

waded through a flood

of despair, and I am

walking away in shame-

as if the world

crumbled, suddenly

turned pale to gray.

 

My heart

I  offered in a plate-

full of strawberries

its first fruits.

But your words-

that rejection

knifed and sliced

into bleeding pools.

Until I am strained.

 

That day,

my eyes were opened

of reality here-

I am standing

this gulf

between us-

You and me.

No way

I cannot swim.

Nothing but to see you

faintly disappearing

while attempting

building

a bridge

joining you.

 

I have tried

finding a boat to ride.

Taking me there-

where you are,

but, all was a crowd

I can’t get through.

Trying-

finding another

path to cross,

but lost.

Until I forgot about-

You.

 

That day,

I made my peace

And I found myself

kneeling beside

a savior-

that wounded  feet.

This sweet sorrow

is nothing more

than a heartbeat

now belongs to yesterday.

And here I am

Looking-

the other way.

as He carry me

through another day.

 

Down at the wayside

perhaps, by chance.

I cannot cross

the other side. Maybe

you won’t let me cross

this great divide. And

losing what I think

is all I have.

This believing…

This hoping…

I stopped.

Since then, I know-

you’ll not meet me

there- a space

that would not be.

 

That day, I instead

I met the One

In a place, even I,

would not suspect.

Good thing is,

I began to see

how blessed,

when someone could

and would love me-

for what I am.

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I have this habit some mornings. Letting the shower drop and patter in a big basin just to hear the sound and think it’s raining back in the Philippines. That’s right, it might sound crazy. But for somebody who is away and slugging it out in the desert, who would not miss the rain? I mean monsoon rain.

For countless reasons the sound of the rain brings me peace, solitude and a refreshing hope for the sun. That is something in this earthly life I am blessed to see even in simple terms, the importance of minutest details in living. In natural things, such as these occurences, had a way of conveying to me some  messages subliminally. Pondering and making some rationalizations about things as they happen, if they can contribute to the cycle of things.

I had this beautiful story about my mother. I had the chance to ask her one day of what is her favorite time of the day.  She didn’t tell me the exactly what time, but rather, she had a vivid description of what is it. She told me that the profoundest time is the time after the rain has settled down at noon with the sunset glinting over the rain-soaked dense of foliage.  She is the happiest at this moment.

It took me years to understand this and have tried my best to actually witness a perfect one. But I guess, each occurences are quite unique to everyone.  I think, eventhough my mother didn’t verbalize the reasons for me, maybe she let me come up with some possible answers for myself.

The rain clears up a cluttered mind that is. It makes a total surrender to the inevitable. Like a floodwater taking loose items on its path, uprooting the weak and sweeping the dirt out of the way.

It’s  a way of an escape. It’s a way of resigning.  It’s a way to completely laying down the cards. An absolute relinquish of things that we are so attached with. Of reasons and of meanings we have formulated and made them rocks of refuge for ourselves to conceal our own fragilities, weaknesses and divided selves.

But commonly, we are all looking on the downside.  We tend to forget, the upside of having the rain in our lives.  It is a promise. Of revival. Of something that will be quenched and a resource to keep us going.

Rain is a gift of hope. Believing that as long as it pours, new life has to begin somewhere. And it will be taken up in unending cycles of rebirth and renewal. It will aways be.  Always will.

That is why I needed the rain so badly today.  And I am thrilled about something that will grow out of it. Making me start all over again on a clean slate.

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