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Posts Tagged ‘candles’

On a white bed, someone is sleeping dear

deep to a dreamland of no return but only

strangers and lovers peering translucent

appearing sad as if they were caged

 

by someone whose scythe has killed

and slit the necks of flowers too eager.

And push them into garland and vases

as if sudden death is a beautiful thing.

 

And  the twin blood-red moon gave birth-

two distant runners racing past each other

galloping silken terrain but their footsteps

leave no traces- only their colorless ordeal.

 

They call them tears.

 

Like lamentations of loss, a dirge, a song

wailed and escaped through cracks

and crevices of consciousness. A proof

that breath is extinguished like candles.

 

Whose spirit wafts the room to shake

and pound the doors with its fists

while the priest can no longer hear

the trite confessions of a sinner.

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A neighbor who lives nextdoor had a caged lovebird hanging in the hallway in our apartment.  I was awakened one morning by its relentless chirping as if I was awakened by some familiar bird songs I once heard from my hometown’s parish church.  There was a surging of long distant emotions that was laid dormant through all these years.  A sanctified feeling of saintly wonder. The innocence of a child in his first communion.

In my reverie I remember that I was walking down there on the aisle to accept God. An obedience to one of His blessed sacraments.  Dressed in white, I clasped both hands as a sign of my faith, allegiance and devotion.  I remember the reverberating sound of the church organ, the ringing of the church bells, the whispered recitation of the rosary, the faint glow of the communion candles, the gleaming chandeliers above, the nauseating fragrance of gardenias, the painted figures of saints up in the ceiling, the adorned relics at the altar, the divine light that streams through the stained glass windows, the choir’s angelic voices and that familiar bird song.  All these things had engulf this child’s frailty. 

I felt afraid. Not because of the magnanimity of that space in which a child like me could not grasp. But because of the idea that I am surrendering to a God that can’t be seen.  That can’t be touched.  How could I ever let this Unknown guard and shield me, while knowing that I am in fact, facing each day without a father and a mother by my side?

But there is this divine force that has swept over me. An assuring voice that gently whispered,  herein I will find refuge and a constant companion.  That herein, is someone who will watch over me and will listen to every word I have to say. And I think then, that the birds perched at the church’s clerestory are my divine witnesses. Like angels in their joyful throng.  Singing their sweet songs as if revelling that another has triumphed to find favor in His sight.

From then on up to this age, I have tried to chase the divine light and that familiar bird song among the many churches I have been to.  To say my silent prayers. To ask for guidance. 

But I have grown impatient over the years. Trying to recollect that innocent moments I have felt during my first communion.  But it never repeated itself.  They are just some fleeting feelings of spirituality that meant little to me.

And these feelings had grown into spiritual discontent. Discontent among spiritual wolves cloaked in the veil of fractured holiness.  Of self-proclaimed shepherds misleading their own flock. Of ministers who pretended like kings in the higher places.  Of preachers who viewed the church as their fiefdom. Of this world’s manufactured spirituality.

I fled away. Far away and shield myself from the magnanimity of this world’s hypocrisy. Even in church, that once I thought to be my refuge.

Gone are those moments of that child-like faith. Gone are those moments that God communicates so closely and the doors of heaven are open for the innocent prayers I used to say. 

And there in the hallway, by the morning light,  I pulled a chair to sit beside that lovebird in the cage and listen to its chirping. I don’t know how long I am sitting there and drifted away from this realm. But what I felt is that I am ushered back to that same place where once, my innocence had been. And I felt that God is clasping my little fragile hands into His. The divine light and the bird song has finally returned by my side.

I just hope that this lovebird be loosened and set free from this cage, someday. Like me.  And savor freedom on its wings and fly. Basking in the splendid streams of sunlight. So divine.

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