Archive for October 10th, 2006

What a way to celebrate one’s age is to actually defy it by internalizing that you are still in your early teens. Until today, it became apparent that another year will be added to the heap. I am so sure, that I am not quitting my celibacy because I am not ready to surrender it.  Ha ha ha.

Honestly, the more I contemplate about getting old, the more I am perplexed.  I feel  powerless over some matters that I can obligingly do back when I am still younger.  And regretting that there are some things… Some things I have left empty and void because I am unaware. And still afraid of getting to the other side.

I suspect that adulthood springs so late for me.  I am always wanting to do things which are unconventional but  I am not brave enough. They say I am unpredictable, but hey, if you could only see the monotonous cycle I am grinding here.  For others they say my life is dull.  Who cares?  I presume that each one of us should mine his own business.

I remember grandmom says that we should study and get a good job before thinking about marriage. But now in my late twenties, she is pushing me to marry one and start  producing babies.  But before I do that (it seems I have a plan or something), I  should think about the more pressing concerns of my being which are…

1. Am I capable to love another person in my life? Have I demystified the idea of love? Have I completely understood it in real perspective?

2. Am I prepared to handle such a  situation?  What if it fails and gone awry, will I be able to cope the tremendous pressure of being a family man or broken man?

3. Am I capable of being a good husband, a good provider and a good father?  Will I be able to send my kids to school and be able to bring them up to be good citizens of this country?

And the questions will get longer as the tracklines of the MRT… So many questions before I get them answered. Waaaaaa.

Marriage is an option.  Being single is an even more harder option. But I need to clarify my notion on singlehood. I believe that the growing pains of marriage is apparent in the world today and the casualties of getting divorced, or annulled is getting out of hand.  I  cannot accept to bear the brunt of having my family life broken such as that. 

I have nothing against to others who have gone divorced or annulled.  But what makes me dread about this, is the effect of broken relationships to bringing up broken human beings. Broken human beings tend to distort the very idea of society and makes an even more complicated scenario  by justifying their brokenness to be acceptable.

For me, I am still upholding the value and virtue of a family.  But I don’t believe that I should be pressured to do so when I know I am not ready to forge this stage. Getting married is not a solution to fill in the voids we might be having inside.  And we cannot expect another human being to complete us.  It would be unfair.

I dont want to burden this society of another human being who might destroy it.  I dont want to raise another uncivilized human being who might contribute to an ever worsening problems of our country.  I dont want to pressure our country by thinking how to keep up feeding our huge population and strengthening economy.  I dont want to drag along my children to the ever pressing malady and misery that is gripping our country. And its getting worser by the days and bring along the pains of growing old.

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